Dr. Cha~zay

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Sarah
from Australia wants to know how to respect others, how to know whom to give time to and how to not feel so depleted and defeated when we give our respect to the wrong people.

Listen to Sarah's question and my response to this very important topic in today's podcast.

We respect or not respect people for many countless different reasons. Sometimes we admire and respect a person's abilities or their achievements, such as awards, fame or their financial status. Other times we respect people for their personal, internal achievements, such as becoming an optimistic person after being mostly a pessimistic or complaining person.

  • What exactly is respect?
  • Who deserves our respect?
  • When respect is gone, how do we regain it?
  • What do respect have to do with trust and love?
  • What does self-respect have to do with respecting others?
Listen to today's podcast and find out for yourself.

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Grab your 50% discount to the Happy Relationships course right here.
 

Andrea

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Thank you for another great podcast!

Question; what if the one smoking and drinking is your brother?

Feels a bit different when it's family.. Harder to walk away and also I don't want to, but it's still affecting me a lot..

xx
 

Dr. Cha~zay

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I grew up with smoking parents and then my sister started smoking when she was 13. I've always been their worst nightmare about the issue, not because I judged them, but because I was born with asthma and severe lung problems due to their smoking and intuitively knew smoking was bad.

Becoming an adult and moving to mostly smoke-free California shifted my thinking big time. Before I moved there I would accept being around smoking parents and relatives and people on the street, thinking that I was the odd one since everyone seemed to smoke. Suddenly I knew I was the 'respectful' one to my body and everyone else would have to get in alignment with my values if they wanted to be around me. Period. Once I claimed my smoke-free space at all times, it became easy to stick up and say "no, you can't smoke around me or I will choose to leave." I also used to be quite honest with my parents and tell them that I didn't come around as much because I refused to breathe poison and when they were able to go without smoking is when I would be around them more often. It's a choice.

Today, none of them smoke as they all had their health scares. Four aunts to lung cancer, all of whom died within just months of each other, which made my sister quit from one day to the next. She also had breast cancer. My dad has two types of cancer due to smoking, and my mom almost died last year because her lungs collapsed and she was in ICU unable to breathe. The good thing was I could finally stop having to defend myself and they all admitted what a mistake they made. Not to me, but themselves.

Personally, I find that most smokers have a self-entitlement chip on their shoulder, their arrogant and expect others to get in line with their drug habits, simply because smoking is a publicly accepted nasty habit. Not in my world and not in the world of most people in California. I don't remember how many years it's been since I met a smoker in California. It's just not an accepted habit at all. On the contrary. You light up you're bound to have a number of people read you your rights. It's not so in Europe.

Once I changed my attitude of victimhood and stood up for myself, which I call self-respect, they knew I would not compromise. This didn't mean they changed their habits right away. In fact, they were okay with not seeing me as much for decades because their smoking was more important to them than seeing me. I know they would argue this and say it was my choice, but then again, you can't reason with a drug addict.

Thankfully, time turned into the great revealer it is, showed them the true value of life and their mortality, something I had to endure since I was born quite sick. Some can test their boundaries when it comes to their health, I'm not one of those people. I just can't afford it.

It's about you sticking to your ground, Andrea. Perhaps a move to a non-smoking area like California will help you gain a different perspective. I just arrived in Europe a few days ago and already I'm in shock again to see just how many Europeans are so delayed emotionally, spiritually, mentally and in every other way when it comes to their health around smoking. Mind boggling how many smokers there are.

I know this sounds harsh and perhaps even arrogant, especially to someone who is smoking and tenderly caring for their addiction. I prefer to honor my body in every way possible and anyone who oversteps that boundary simply won't be in my circle. This includes family and friends. That doesn't mean I burn bridges with them, not at all. Thankfully there are telephones, Skype and computers to stay in touch. And when they have come to their senses, which is hopefully long before they wither away, your relationship with them can continue in person.
 

Andrea

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Hm the smoking is actully not the biggest issue for me, even if I don't particulary like it, it's the drinking..

Alcohol is a huge trigger for me, probably activated after being together with an alcoholic for many years.

But you're saying not having any people in our lives at all that overstep our boundaries around that?

In a way I totally agree, but I also really like my brother, we're pretty close, and I would feel sad only talking to him on the phone and skype..
 

Dr. Cha~zay

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Smoking, drinking. It's all the same thing if it bothers you.

It's not about boundaries as much as I simply don't care to be in the presence of those who disrespect themselves by mistreating their body temples with drugs, alcohol, promiscuity or negativity. Life is wayyy too short and there are wayyy to many people on this planet throwing away their lives this way. The very few who don't, those are the ones I hang out with by spending my time with them.

I don't drink a drop of alcohol, never have and it's just as bad to hang around people who don't know when to stop than if they are smoking. They become ridiculously stupid with just a tad bit too much alcohol, which makes me have zero respect for anything that comes out of their mouth. To have a conversation I need alert brain cells, not sleepy, numb ones.

Again, if you like your brother and he likes you, he will refrain from drinking in your presence. It's just that simple. He can get stupid all by himself or around those who tolerate it.
 

Andrea

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Mm.. I will think it over and process through it all some more.

Thank you for your answer Dr. Cha~zay, I really appreciate it! ❤
 

Andrea

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Dr. Cha~zay, can I ask you for some more advice about my brother?

He actually stopped smoking so that is nice progress!

But we seem to have such a comlicated relationship right now.. He gets triggered by me all the time, even if I’m not “doing” anything specific. Do you think I am doing something to him energetically that I am not aware of?

What is going on? I’m so confused by the whole thing..
 
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Dr. Cha~zay

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Hi Andrea, I'm sorry to hear about your brother. It wouldn't be right for me to check into your brother as he is not a part of this conversation, nor do I want to do readings of these kinds. I'm sure, however, that if you manage to empty your mind and get to a space of complete detachment (what paradox), you will be able to know exactly what's going on with you-and-him. It's actually quite evident, as you'll see... :notworthy:
 

Andrea

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Ok I see. I’ll try it..

But do you think it is possible to do something that hurts another person without being aware of it? And do you think I am doing this?
 

Dr. Cha~zay

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I'm sure we hurt people all the time - not purposely, but just because people have their own pain points that are triggered by others (us, for example). Our parents and siblings and children and others who are in our inner circle by means of 'blood,' have a tendency to be there because they hold the greatest lessons for us - and sadly also some of the most painful ones. It's up to us to dig in and see where we hurt them (and where they hurt us). Often these trigger go back life times. This life time is just another opportunity for us to clear karma (instead of creating new triggers to be activated in future life times). And so the cycle goes on...
 

Allyria Lai

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Wow. I haven't listened to the podcast yet, but I wanted to thank you so much for this conversation, Andrea and Cha~zay. I've been spending time with family and all kinds of triggers are showing. I have 5 brothers and 3 sisters. Most of whom drink and one smokes.

I've invited them over for home cooked meals or time in nature together, but I don't drink or smoke with them any longer. I have to watch myself so closely when I'm with them because I notice it's so easy to slide back into the old ways of familiarity and non-self respect at times.

If these people weren't related to me, would I hang out with them as friends?

Only yesterday I read that you must be consistent in keeping boundaries with family members. You teach them how to treat you. To my mom I said, "I take care of myself and if I need your help I will ask. Thank you." She calmed down and stopped nagging me. She identifies as a helper and of course mother archetype. I may have to keep saying that to her a few times. It felt so relieving for me to be direct to her. I think she felt respected too. Her needs were being addressed and heard.

To my oldest brother I said, "I am only replying to you because your shouting is worsening my headache. The others are ignoring you because they don't want to talk about this subject which is why I am replying because I feel bad for you. But those are the only reasons why I'm talking to you." He realised no one wanted to talk about conspiracy theories and of his disgust for transvestites. The others said yes, they don't want to talk about it. That was the end of it and we felt more comfortable eating and chatting.

My brothers and sisters rely on me to move things along and make decisions sometimes. I said, "You can check the movie times since you have Internet on your phone now. I've told you already many times. I'm not going to keep telling you." That was great for me. Then I decided I could go home and not need to hang out with them, just because they were all together for the holidays.

Yay! Freedom. :)
I have been uncomfortable speaking up about my needs in the past. If I don't speak up and and take care of myself, who will? I can put my warrior archetype into good use this way.
Ok. Thanks for reading.
 
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